I do not have a job outside of my home and I am a wife, so technically I guess I am a housewife. Daily, I listen to my husband count down the days till his retirement. But let’s be honest, at least he gets weekends off and vacation time. Most of the things I ask him to do, he now sub-contracts out to the boys because “They’re old enough to do that”. Housecleaning and chores inside the house are always my duty because, you know, I don’t “work”.
I have yet to meet one couple whose home duties are split 50/50. Regardless of whether it’s the woman or the man, or whether both are working full-time, house hold duties always fall heavier on one than the other. And if you newbie moms out there think that when the kids grow up they will be a big help, guess again. They will eventually clean up after themselves when you freak out like a banshee after having asked them 10 times to do it. But they will look at you stunned and sulkily retort “All you had to do was ask.” You will also learn that children have a completely different definition of “clean”.
This past weekend was a three-day weekend and the house was filled with people. I’m ok with that. I like conversation and laughter filling the house. But more people means more mess. More mess means more cleaning for me. After supper on Saturday night, I cleaned the kitchen and retreated to my room to give them all space. After a few hours, I went down to the kitchen to get a drink. I couldn’t believe it looked like a bomb hit it when I had just cleaned it up. Apparently, they had decided they were still hungry and made tacos. Well I lost it!
Sensing I better step away before someone gets hurt real bad, I went back to my room. A little while later, there was a light rap at my door and my step son stuck his head in.
“I cleaned up”.
“Thank you”, I said. I knew it would never have been one of my kids because they are immune to my yelling.
The next morning, as everyone slept, I went down to have my cup of tea. Low and behold, all the pots and pans were still sitting on the stove, the sink was full of dishes and the counter was covered in shredded cheese. WTF!
When my step-son finally awoke, I ask him,
“What did you mean by ‘I cleaned up?'”
“I cleaned the kitchen table like you asked.”
Ok, I believe that was the last thing I said on the long list of things that needed to get done.
When I came across this video on FaceBook the other day, I thought, I need to find the person that trained this dog and see if he can get the same results from my kids.
The long weekend is now over. Everyone has gone back to school or work. After a morning of cleaning, I take some time to think while I eat my bonbons and watch soap operas. When do housewives get to retire? This is what I came up with.
1. When you win the lottery so you can pay someone else to do all the chores or can afford to live in a hotel with maid service.
2. When you move in with your kids. Payback will be a bitch.
3. When you move into a seniors home. Here’s my diaper!
4. When you get a sister wife. Dream on, sweetheart.
5. When you are six feet under. Lucky I know people get paid to tend to my plot.
The closest I will probably get is when all the kids and their respective pets have moved out. Except if I had a dog like in that video. Him I would keep.
*This is strictly for entertainment purposes. No children were harmed in the making of this post.